Sunday, September 7, 2014

Grevious offenses in children's programming

Before I had a baby, I swore up and down that my future children would not watch a ton of TV. I was downright judgemental about it. Couldn't believe there's actually an entire channel dedicated to BABIES. I mean, really, who puts their infant in front of the TV? Is staying at home really that hard that you have to rely on an animated rabbit to get through the day?

Um, YES. YES IT IS THAT HARD AND HE HAS A NAME. Harry. Harry the bunny. Don't talk trash on him, he's the reason I get to shower every day.
I love you, Harry the Bunny.

Suffice it to say, Claire watches a little TV every day. I know. Go ahead and scratch my name off the “Mother of the Year” ballot. I'll live. But don't think I'm not suffering here – yes, I'm getting a shower, but I'm also being subjected to TV that is geared to someone who poops their pants. Here are a few “highlights” of the BabyFirst channel -

First up we have Larry, the toucan. He teachers vocabulary. Get it? VocabuLARRY? Yeah. That part's not that bad. It's Larry's personality that's enough to push you over the edge. This entire show consists of unseen children introducing Larry to a new word and then Larry bouncing all over the screen, screaming the word like your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving. 
Off-screen children: “Look, Larry! A Shirt! Look at the shirt!”
Children: “Look, Larry: many shirts!”

Fortunately, this show's only about 3 minutes long. Unfortunately, they run it over and over again, all day long.

Next we have a show called “Tillie and Knock-Knock”. It's basically a lesson in how to get kidnapped. Tillie, who is a duck, hears someone knocking at her door. Without seeing who it is, she makes an educated guess (“Who could be at the door?” Person at door: “Moooooo” Tillie: “It sounds like a cow”).  Then here's where it turns bad. Instead of, say, looking through a peephole, Tillie just goes ahead and flings the door open. Someday, some duck pedophile is gonna catch wind of this idiot and go a-knockin', masquerading as a horse or something, and the show's going to be renamed “Tillie and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder”.

And lastly, the “Notekins”. Overall, a good show. It's this group of 8 little people who teach basic music concepts: high, low, fast, slow, you get it. Each episode, they visit someone new: Mr. Banjo, Mrs. Cello, etc. I'm on board with all of that. It's their outfit that bothers me. See if you can figure out why:

Okay, if you're not an anal-retentive musician, this wouldn't bug you. It's their hats. See that “note” on the hat? Yeah, that's not a note. It's like a half note and an eighth note mushed together. Now, I realize that Claire isn't going to remember most of this, but the music teacher in me wants to chat with their music consultant. :)

All drunk toucans, stupid ducks, and incorrect music notation aside, I owe the BabyFirst channel a debt of gratitude. Thank you, BabyFirst, for lulling my child into a zombie-like state for half an hour so that I may shower, get dressed, and maybe even put on a little make up before she starts screaming again.

This week in Babytown

How old is Claire?: 21 weeks tomorrow! I can't believe she's 5 months old. On one hand, it feels like she's been with us forever. On the other hand, it's flying by!
Ugh, that fat roll above her knee is my FAVE

How Claire is eating: Like a champ, as usual. She's starting to take interest in what Russell and I are eating, so even though we're a month away from starting solids, I have a feeling she's going to be a big fan.

How Claire is sleeping: Well this is a whole different blog. Here's the short version: around 4 months, babies do this cool thing called “sleep regression”. It has to do with their sleep patterns changing and REM sleep vs. Non-REM sleep and blah blah blah. What matters is she stopped sleeping through the night at around 15 weeks. Back to “up every 2 hours”. With Russell back at work, this made me near homicidal. So, around 19 weeks, in an act of desperation, we decided to do the unthinkable: we let her “cry it out”. You may have heard it called “Ferberizing”. It gets a really bad rap. Basically, we go through her bedtime routine and then lay her down, drowsy but not asleep, and let her cry until she falls asleep on her own. We go in and check on her periodically. The first night, I tried it on my own because Russell “Go the F to sleep” McCurdy has a heart of coal and doesn't mind hearing an infant cry. Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration, but I was feeling uneasy about the whole thing and wanted to try it on my own terms. So, I waited until he was at a Friday night football game, and I gave it a whirl. She cried for 3 minutes. I checked on her: patted her stomach, sang her a song. She calmed down and I left. She cried for 5 more minutes. Checked on her again. Cried for 8 more minutes and.....ASLEEP. WHOA. I deemed this a miracle from Jesus. To my surprise, she has put herself to sleep with very little crying (like, 20 minutes TOPS, interspersed with check-ins) every night since then. AND as an added bonus, she's starting sleeping through the night again. It's pretty much a miracle.

How much weight I've lost: A whopping 41 pounds, baby! I'm 7 pounds from my pre-baby weight and I better hustle because I've got 5 more weeks til I go back to work and none of my work pants fit currently... I doubt the students want to see me in running shorts and a t shirt, which is what I wear nearly every day.
this is why I hate selfies: GIANT HAND.

How Russell's doing: He's doing pretty well. His return to work has been a hard transition for all of us– fall is an especially busy season for marching band directors, so he's struggling to balance us with work. But on the plus side, he and Claire got to share their first UT game!
This is my parents fault.
See? Much happier in orange and white!

Milestones this week: Well, Claire rolled from tummy to back at 4 months exactly. I think she did it solely to avoid tummy time, which she hates. She loves to play with her rattle and her soft blocks, both of which can fit in her mouth (the ultimate goal for any toy). She enjoys being read to, especially "The Very Hungry Caterpillar".  She's weaned completely off the swaddle, which made me a little sad. Her hair keeps getting redder and her eyes are still blue. She's stopped screaming constantly in the car, which is awesome. And she's starting making that high pitched, girl squeal that all little girls make. Right now, it's adorable! Ask me again in a few months!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Rainbow Connection

So, as you may remember, we are cloth diapering. Actually, we do kind of a mix between cloth and disposables for a couple reasons – 1st, we got a ton of disposables at baby showers. And 2nd, we only had about 8 cloth diapers that fit her right now, which means a load of laundry every day and sometimes that just doesn't happen. 

I decided we needed a few more diapers so that I wouldn't be tied to the washer every day. The ones we LOVE are called “Blueberries” - they're actually made in Knoxville and they're wonderful. But they're, like, $25 a diaper, and mama's on unpaid maternity leave. So, I found a much cheaper option called Alva diapers- $5.00 each. The only hitch: they're made in, like, South Vietnam. So it was going to take 3-5 weeks to get here. I decided I was okay with it.

I ordered the diapers on July 13th. On July 19th, I got a shipping confirmation. “Sweet!”, I thought. “Diapers by early August!” Um, no. On July 25th, I get this email:


 We are so sorry to tell you that we have not sent you order,because now that the A6 and M13 are out of stock in your order, could you please change them to others instead?  You can just tell us 2 replacements here.  After you changed.  We will send your order out.  Thanks a lot,have a nice day.
-Your faithfully, Rainbow.

Errrr......Rainbow? Interesting name. I picture a girl named “Rainbow” like this:

Obviously, Rainbow's on the left, wearing a rabbits face for a hat.
So, I'm pretty irritated by this, but I respond with a few alternate diaper selections for “Rainbow”. Here's what I got back:

Ok. Thanks. We will send out today. You can get it after 3-4 weeks, pls kindly wait.  :)

-Your faithfully, Rainbow.

Pls kindly wait my ass. I felt like this deserved, at least, some faster shipping. I replied:


It would be great if you could express mail it, especially since my order has already been delayed by no fault if my own. 
 -Becca McCurdy

To which “Rainbow” wrote back:


We are cuz your order is under 49 usd, so we can just ship it by normal airmail. Maybe if you can order 40usd, we will also send for you by Express in order to make up our delays. Is ok?

-Your faithfully, Rainbow

Um, nope. Is not "ok". I don't really want to order 40 more dollars in diapers from you so you can justify Express mailing my, already hella late, package. I replied:


I understand that, but since your company messed my order up, I feel like you could make amends by shipping it faster. 
-Becca M 

To which Rainbow replied:


We are sorry we have no right to do that. Also we did not mess your order up just because of our short time trip from June 13 to June 7 and the out of stock items, so hope can get your great understanding. Thanks.

Okay, lemme get this straight: it's not your fault my diapers are late because of....time travel? That's the most I can get out of this email. Also, notice that this one wasn't signed “Your faithfully, Rainbow”. I think I made Rainbow mad. :) But Rainbow made me mad! So, I unloaded on him/her (what gender is a “Rainbow”?) Well, as much as I unload on anybody:

Oh, Rainbow, but you DID mess my order up! I ordered on June 13th. On June 19th, I was sent an email saying my order had SHIPPED. Then, on June 25th, I received the email saying it had NOT shipped AND my items were out of stock. That's called "messing up my order".

It would make good business sense to provide me with either some kind of refund or faster shipping, since it was NOT MY FAULT that my order is now super late. It would make me a happy customer who would give other moms a good review of your business. But instead, I'll be telling other mother's this: Alva Baby is hard to work with, lies about shipping, blames the customer, and is unwilling to make up for mistakes.

-Becca McCurdy

BOOM. Suck on that, Rainbow! Here's her/his response:

Dear friend,

We are sorry for the delays. We do really know your feeling now. But after our trip, only past 2 days, our weekend was coming. So we back to work on June 23th.  You know, after several days, there are lots of order need to be processed, pls also stand by us and understand us. But even so, we also thought we have fault cuz our workmates a little bit less in this situation. We must do something to make up.  But now your package has been sent out by normal airmail, it is on the way to get to you. So how about sending you a gift or give you a discount when you order next time? Is it ok? Thanks.

“We really do know your feeling now” LOL

I don't know what the hell Rainbow is talking about with trips and weekends and time travel, but I know what he/she means by “gift”! :) I replied:


Thank you. That was the response I'd been waiting to hear from you.

I would love a gift to make up for the error! I assume you have my address?

Thank you,

To which Rainbow replied:

Thanks. So kindly of you. But is it possible to send you a gift together with your new order? Your faithfully, Rainbow

HA! Rainbow, you jackass. I'm not ordering more diapers from you! You crazy. I wrote:


Well, I don't have a new order, since I just placed my first order and haven't received it yet. So, you can go ahead and send the gift. Thanks!

To which I got: 

Pls kindly keep waiting for your package. One of our workmates will go to America on July 19, I will ask her send the gift by USPS for you after you got your package.Is ok? Thanks. Your faithfully, Rainbow.

LOVE that Rainbow is going to make one of her/his “workmates” carry my “sorry we effed up your diaper” present all the way to the US just to save on shipping. Rainbow's a man/woman after my own cheap ass heart.

Eventually, my Alva diapers arrive. They're cute and work just fine, despite Russell's constant jokes about them being made by a 5 year old in a sweatshop. I say, that 5 year old does a damn fine job.

After this last exchange, Rainbow and I went back and forth for awhile: “Did you receive the gift?”  “No I did not”   “Please let us know when you receive the package”   “I have not received the package.” Finally, Rainbow replies that he/she will send it again. Sigh. By the time I receive the diapers, Claire will be potty trained. He/she also tries to get me to buy MORE diapers which he/she will include with my gift. I pass. :) It's now August 21st and I'd pretty well given up on getting my gift, but as it turns out, Rainbow had the last word.

We are trying to wean Claire off the swaddle when she naps and she's really fighting it, so naptime (and nighttime) have become pretty rough. Today, after an hour and 40 minutes of nursing, she FINALLY went down for a nap. I tiptoe out of the room to change into real clothing (It's 2 in the afternoon). Right when I've stripped down, the doorbell rings. Sidenote: if you haven't heard our doorbell, check out this post with a video. It's pretty cool, but also super loud. Anyhow, Bijou loses her mind, runs downstairs barking her face off. I throw on clothing and run after her, as the nursery is directly below the front door, where she is having a complete fit. It's the mailman. I throw open the door, shushing Bijou frantically. He needs me to sign for a package. It's from China. 


As I walk inside with my free diapers, I can hear Claire start crying. And I can almost hear Rainbow start laughing, all the way from China.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

A Very Lovely Life

This past week, I had a pretty cool experience. You may not know this, but I have an Etsy shop where I sell vintage - specifically vintage linens. I actually reserved the shop name back in 2009, but didn't actually start selling until late 2011. When I started, my focus was vintage kitchenware, like Pyrex. But pretty soon, I started to become interested in old sheets. I just love the patterns and colors on vintage sheets, plus I love that "worn in" feeling. And when you ship sheets, there's no chance they'll arrive broken because the USPS guy kicked them over a fence. :)

My favorite way to use vintage sheets is in what I call a "remixed" set - it's really hard to find a complete vintage set with no missing pieces, so I take the "orphans" and put them together to create a set where each piece coordinates with each other, but doesn't necessarily match. I love seeing the different patterns together - I think it gives the set the feeling that it was collected over time.

So, a few months ago, I was approached on Etsy by Jann Jones, the craft editor for the magazine "Mollie Makes": a UK magazine that has recently come to the US. She told me that the magazine would like to feature my vintage remixed sheet sets in their upcoming September issue and asked if I'd send her a picture. Um.....yeah? I sent the picture on, but honestly didn't think much of it and assumed I'd never see it actually happen.

Last week, I'm in Target, and I see "Mollie Makes" in the periodical section. I flipped through it and, lo and behold, there I am! Page 40! Not gonna lie, there was a lot of shrieking and I think I scared some Target customers. I know it's not the front page of Better Homes and Gardens or anything, but it was pretty dang exciting!   

that's meeeeee!!
It's weird to have your guest bed pictured in a national magazine.

Anyhow, it will be fun to see if this goes anywhere! I've seen an increase in "views", meaning more people are looking at my shop. My sales have stayed pretty much the same, so I guess I won't be quitting my teaching job to run the sheet biz. :) But hey, if you're cleaning out Grandma's closet and you come across her sheets, hit me up! I'll gladly buy them from ya!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Here's your sign

So, last week, I celebrated my birthday. I'm 34. I have a friend who has “stuck” at 29 – she refuses to turn 30. Every year, she just says “I'm turning 29 again”. I think this year will be her 5h time as a 29 year old. Not me, man. Personally, I like my 30's. Your 20's are, frankly, kinda rough! You have to graduate from college and figure out what the heck you're going to do for money. You have to figure out health insurance and whether or not you're a dependent anymore. You're probably dating, which means blind dates and first dates and, worst of all, being set up with some dude who works with a friend of your moms friend's cousin and starts the date by telling you his frat brothers nick-named him “The Donkey” because of the size of his, um, manhood. TRUE STORY, FOLKS.

So, all in all, I like my 30's! However, I'm starting to feel less like a teenager and more like a mom. Yikes.

Signs you're getting older:

1. You are excited when a new store opens, only to find that you are too old to shop there. I'm looking at you, Urban Outfitters. We recently got one in Knoxville and the first time I went in, I was like, “Oh. This place is for teenagers.” It may as well have been a Gymboree - nothing in there was for my age group.

Perfect first day of school outfit, right? Maybe when I was a 6th grader back in 1990.

Not you, Forever 21. I don't care how old I am, cheap sunglasses are my spirit animal.

2. The people in charge of your kids seem like kids themselves. My friend (actually, the same friend who is still 29) recently dropped her kids off at day camp. She filled out the medical form and asked the teenager working the desk where to hand it in, to which the teen replied that she could give it to the nurse. My friend looked around and, seeing no nurse, asked again for clarification. The teenager then pointed to the girl sitting right next to her, who, according to my friend, looked about 13, and said “This is the nurse!”. Yikes.

3. Cute college boys now look at you like you're their mother. The other night, we were walking by the river and passed a group of young guys. One of them approached us and asked if we could take their picture. Right as I'm agreeing to it, a girl their age runs by, and no joke, the kid could not abandon me fast enough. Funny thing is, I totally thought all these kids were in about 9th grade, but Russell pointed out to me that they're probably college freshmen at orientation. Oh my lord.

4. Everyone calls me “ma'am”. The waiter. Guy who sprays our house for bugs. The Starbucks guy. It's unsettling when I'm all “wassup, bro” (on the inside. I don't actually say that out loud) and he's all “Ma'am, you can't park your power scooter here. Can I help you with your walker, ma'am?”

5. We had some big storms the other night and my knee throbbed so much, it woke me up. I've become one of those people that says things like, “Must be fixin' to rain, 'cause my knee's been singin' all day!" Yuck.

6. When we first got married, Russell and I talked about stuff like what's for dinner or what's happening on LOST tonight or how much it would cost to put a pool in the attic. Now, we talk about 529s and 401ks and making a will and saving for college. Remind me why 9 year old me thought growing up was cool? 

The scariest part of all of this is not the act of aging. It's the realization that we are the grown ups. Us. I still laugh at fart jokes. And carry cherry chapstick instead of lip stick. I'd rather re-read Harry Potter for the 12th time than watch a documentary. If no one was watching, I could go without eating my vegetables for days. The other day, I bought grape flavored Big League Chew (which, incidentally, I do NOT feel bad about because, duh, it's amazing.) 
Yeah, I play in the big leagues.

But at the same time, I'm almost old enough to run for President. PRESIDENT. By my age, Michaelangelo had completed the Sistine Chapel. Edison had invented the phonograph. And I still don't know how to curl the hair on the back of my head. Sigh.

This week in baby-dom:
How old is Claire?: 16 weeks! I can't believe it!

How Claire is eating: Pretty well. She went on a bit of a “breastfeeding strike”, the little union worker, but she got over it in about 24 hours.

How Claire is sleeping: Oh, not at all! So, here's a little gem they don't tell you when you're picking out sweet baby blankets and dreaming of nursery paint colors: your baby's a little jerk. Seriously. They'll fool you by sleeping through the night and then, just when you're starting to feel a little human, BAM. Asleep at 8. Up at 11. Back to sleep at 11:30. Up at 1. Down at 2. Up at 6, for the DAY. Naps? Psh, naps are for CHUMPS now.
"Mother, really. This again?"
How much Claire weighs: Around 12 pounds.

How much weight I've lost: Do you know the sad part about this statistic? I have to do the math every. Single. Time. With a calculator. THAT'S HOW BAD I AM AT MATH. Anyhow, I've lost 38 pounds. 10 to go!

How Russell's doing: Well, Russell is back at work full time, which is an adjustment for all of us, but so far it's going well. Claire is such a daddy's girl, so she's super excited when he gets home every day, which is precious. 

Milestones this week: Claire had her first big laughs this week. :) She's made laughing sounds before, but never in response to something funny. This week, we had genuine laughter. ADORABLE. I'm working on uploading a video, but that requires patience and some kind of internet magic I don't possess.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

All Apologies

What's the phrase that ends " ________________ is never having to say you're sorry"?  I'm pretty sure it's not "parenting". "Parenting" means having to say you're sorry to everyone: friends, family, strangers. Well, you don't HAVE to say you're sorry, but when you've inadvertently flashed a boob at a crowd of homeschooling nuns (okay, that didn't happen) or walked into the men's bathroom (that did...) , maybe you should. Here's the short list of people I owe an apology to...
  1. Everyone who has emailed, texted, facebook messaged, carrier pigeoned me in the last 3 months that I have not responded to. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. Most likely, I read your message on my phone at 4 AM and promptly forgot about it. Was it important? If so, send it again, okay? I'll try to read it when I'm more awake, so.....roughly 18 years from now.
  1. To the guy in the Earthfare bathroom who I totally walked in on whilst trying to tell my husband that there is no extra outfit in the diaper bag and he's just going to have to change her diaper, take her outfit off (now covered in poop), and carry her out naked: my apologies. You probably thought you had the place to yourself and then in burst 2 irritated gingers: one frustrated and one screaming, covered in feces. (I'll let you, the reader, work out which was Russell). Anyhow, dude, I'm super sorry. I don't make it a habit to walk into the public men's bathroom.
  2. To the usher at the wedding last weekend, who I basically verbally assaulted so he'd get out of my way as I tried to hustle my baby to a window to distract her so she wouldn't completely lose her cool all over someone's wedding: so sorry. I know it was your job to stop people from going back there. But trust me, unless you wanted to see the complete shit show that is my baby when she's hungry, it was best that I get to the window pronto to appease her.  Also, I'm sorry for the eye-rolling when you yelled after me “Well, don't go in any of those rooms!!” Trust me, unless those rooms contained a bouncy seat and Baby Einstein on a loop, I wasn't going in them.
  1. To everyone who's tried to have meaningful conversation with me and gotten nothing in return: I'm so sorry. I have nothing to give. By the end of most days, the most exciting thing that's happened to me is either Claire's bowel movements or something to do with Real Housewives. Someday, I really hope to come back to the real world and have adult conversation.
     5. To everyone who has run into me in public: first off, I hope I said hello, at the very least. I am    so rarely alone these days that when I am, I find myself in some kind of parenting-induced trance, wandering the aisles of Target. So, I apologize if I didn't see you or looked right at you with no hint of recognition on my face. I also apologize if you tried to talk to me and I could barely form a sentence. See #4.

This week in baby-dom:
How old is Claire?: 13 weeks
13 weeks of sass

How Claire is eating: Just fine! We continue to do a combination of 80% breast milk, 18% formula, 2% bourbon. Just kidding! 3% bourbon.
"Knob Creek, Single Barrel please. On the rocks."

How Claire is sleeping: The bourbon has really helped with the sleeping! JUST KIDDING. Sheesh. But really, Claire sleeps pretty darn well – usually a good long stretch from about 10 pm til 4 am and then another short stretch from 5 am til 7 or 8.

Update on the harness: We are DONE with the harness!!! Praise the Lord, we are done. Claire had a check up with her orthopedist and he pronounced her “good as gold”. We'll go back in 6 months for x-rays, but NO MORE HARNESS. As much as I want to burn it (and I reeeeaaalllly want to burn it), I'm going to wash it and put it away, because I'm sure it will be one of those “Oh I can't believe you were this tiny!” things. In about 20 years.

How much Claire weighs: Not sure, but we're guessing between 11 and 12 pounds.

This is probably my 2nd selfie ever.
How much weight I've lost: After a few weeks of stalemate, my scale finally moved this week – I'm now down 37 pounds. 12 to go (to be back at my pre-pregnancy weight). I got some nasty motivation the other day at Target – I decided I had to purchase shorts, no matter the size, or I would cook in this hot Tennessee summer. I won't tell you the size I had to purchase, but let's just say it's a size that's never been on my body. Ouch. Also, nothing like a 3 way mirror to smack that Hershey's bar out of your pudgy little hands.

How Russell's doing: Russell started band camp this week (all my northern relatives who go back to school after Labor Day are shocked and appalled by this), so he's pretty tired. I also gave him an early birthday present: a jogging stroller. Russell's become quite the runner, so we're both excited that he'll be able to take Claire along for the fun. :)

Milestones this week: Claire is starting to be interested in some toys - she doesn't reach out and grab them, but if I put one in her hand, she'll play with it a bit. Well, she'll try to stuff it in her mouth. That counts as playing, right? We've been trying to do more "tummy time" (ugh, what an obnoxious phrase), but she HATES it. Maybe because it's called "tummy time".
"Tummy time's the worst."

Thursday, June 19, 2014

What's a pirate's favorite life saving technique?

 C.P. ARRRRRR, of course! :)


So, it's official: I'm that girl. The one who has a baby and then all she can talk about is her baby and every picture on her phone is of that baby and baby baby baby.

I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm not even gonna lie to you: before I had one of my own, I was a little judgey about “that girl”. I was all, “how sad that she has nothing else in her life to talk about” and “if I end up like that, please punch me in the face a little.”

Well, I'm due for a face punching. It's just that I have no life. I'm not working. It's summer so the pace of life is pretty slow. And I have an 10 pound weight that keeps me pretty well tied down to the house. When I do leave the house, it's usually to go hang out with other people who have babies. Guess what we talk about. :)

The other day, Russell and I left Claire with my parents for the first time so we could attend an infant CPR class. In hindsight, NOT our best choice. We walk in the room and see another couple sitting at some long tables that are covered in these:
Um, I know why it's not's face is covered in plastic wrap. Class dismissed!
BTW, I tried super hard to take a selfie with my dead baby look alike, but turns out there is not an appropriate time to do that during your Infant CPR class. At least not without looking like a total weirdo.

So then, we start watching the video in which the first scene is a baby who stops breathing in her crib. Russell and I just looked at each other like, “this was a baaaaaad idea”. The next scene: a baby choking. And from there on, who knows, because all I could do was obsessively check my phone and freak out over how my baby was home alone with people who hadn't watched a baby in 30 YEARS.
What I learned: infants are bad at CPR.
It all worked out fine and we did end up learning Infant CPR and the Heimlich. Just in case you're a little rusty, let me give you a quick CPR review:

Step One: “Check the area to make sure everything is safe.” Russell and I didn't quite get this step. On the video, the lady just looked to the right and the left. But I guess you're supposed to glance around to make sure the buffalo are done stampeding or there are no tsunamis on the horizon.

Step Two: “Try to get the baby to react.” In the class, we did this by tapping the baby's foot and yelling “BABY! BABY!” Awkward. In real life, you can just shout the baby's name. Or whatever else gets your baby to react – political injustice, the death penalty, the war on women, whatever. #yesallbabies

Step Three: “Begin chest compressions.” Using two fingers, right below the nipple line (which is super hard to find on your dead baby look alike, fyi), press down 30 times into the baby's chest about an inch and a half. Our instructor recommended we compress to the beat of Michael Jackson's “Stayin' Alive”. Yup. You read that right. Also, you've got to really dig in there. Don't be shy about those compressions. You're gonna feel like you're breaking baby's ribs, but guess what's worse than broken ribs? Being dead. #toughlove

Step Four: Put your mouth over baby's nose and mouth and give 3 breaths. You're going to feel (and look) like you're eating baby's face. Roll with it. When I was doing this part in class, the teacher walked by and said “Oh, you're doing so good. You're a natural!” Super. I'm a natural at fitting your baby's head in my mouth. #partytricks #hashtagsarestupid

Step Five: Repeat this process 5 times and then call 911. In class, we had to show this by picking baby up and announcing to the room “Now I will call 911!”, which made me giggle inappropriately every time. Just so you know, if this were to ever happen to me, I'd totally be calling 911 FIRST, not last. What can I say, I'm a rule breaker.

This week in baby-dom:
How old is Claire?: 9 weeks

How Claire is eating: Here's a nasty effect of adding formula to your baby's diet: constipation. Now, it's not really constipation as she's still doing the deed; she's just doing it less often and when it happens, watch out. POOPMAGEDDON. That crap (literally) is everywhere. We also switched almost totally to cloth diapers this week, which we love, except when I have to put the POOPMAGEDDON into my washer. Ew.
This. Right here. Is my. Poopface.

How Claire is sleeping: Um, like a boss!! Claire is finally sleeping for a good long stretch at night – about 10 pm til 4 or 5 am. Not every night, but most, which sure makes a difference in my mood! :)

Update on the harness: Starting this week, we'll go to our final step with the harness: wearing it 6 hours a day. Basically, during her long stretch of sleep. 3 more weeks of that and then DONE!

How much Claire weighs:10lbs, 13 oz
10 lbs 13 oz of cuteness
How much weight I've lost: Oh this stupid stat and my need for full disclosure. Sigh. Well, I did lose 1 more pound this week, which is good. You know what sucks about weight loss? Well, everything, but what I was referencing was how dang slow it goes. I'm all “I had a banana for breakfast and ran .0002 of a mile. Pretty sure I should be skinny now.” Too bad that's not how it works, right?

How Russell's doing: Russell celebrated his first Father's Day last Sunday with lunch out, some new Keens, and one of those fancy water hoses that they show on infommercials. Basically the trifecta of good Father's Day presents.

"I am a Jedi, like my father before me"

Milestones this week: I read Claire's first book to her: “Pat the Bunny”. She cried at the end, presumably because she's a huge advocate for animal rights. Or, because she was hungry. Whatever.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

This week, in reality and reality TV

 Well, it's been a big week at 'ole McCurdy Manor, because (drum roll please)......


Or is it the rabbit? The ninja? Shoot, I can't remember now. It's the fancy cable where I can record like 5 shows at once AND watch stuff on the DVR in our bedroom. Formerly, we could only watch DVR shows in the living room.

It's a pretty big deal folks.

This means a few things.

  1. Russell and I will basically never see each other again, except to pass the baby off.
  1. I'm at a place in my life where I really feel like I finally have room to open myself up to new people. By people I mean housewives. And by housewives, I mean real ones. Of New York City to be specific, 'cause of course I already watch Real Housewives of Orange County. I mean, the DVR now records 5 SHOWS AT ONE TIME. I'd be a fool not to!
See, I have HORRIBLE taste in TV. And this whole “stay at home mom” thing is not helping. The TV is on pretty much all day and since I'm breastfeeding, I spend a lot of time sitting in front of it. So, just in case you don't have the Rabbit Ninja, let me catch you up on what you've missed in reality. Reality TV that is.
  1. The Dugger's have 19 kids. They had 20, but the last one died and it was possibly the worst thing you can watch when you have a 2 week old baby, so watch out for that. 2 of their older girls are in “courtships” which is their word for dating. It means they get to go on dates, but only with a chaperone. Oh, and only side hugs are allowed in courtship. All that crazy aside, I kind of love the Duggers and all 19 of their herd. Sidenote- if there was a 19 Kids and Counting drinking game, it would be this: drink everytime a Dugger says “special”. As in, “It was just really special when I got to see my boyfriend and give him a side hug, all while my sister watched."
  2. Tori Spelling got cheated on by her husband and then filmed, like, 3 solid weeks of them fighting. It is an absolute train wreck and I didn't miss a single episode, even the “reunion” where said husband (Something McDermott? He's famous....for something...) showed his love for Tori by tattooing their wedding vows on his ribcage. Oh, and singing a pretty awful song. #TELEVISIONGOLD
  3. As I mentioned above, I currently watch the Real Housewives of Orange County. There used to be 5ish of them: 4 idiots and 1 intelligent woman. I felt super bad for the smart girl, except not really, 'cause she gets paid to hang out with the idiots. Now, they fired a couple idiots, and added another smart girl, so the first smart girl has a friend she can talk to using words with more than 3 syllables. I believe the last episode involved a chick paying her dentist to put magic crystals in her teeth, you know, for feng shui. I can't make this shit up.
  4. Lastly, there's the Long Island Medium. You'll probably think I'm a real idiot when I say this, but I totally believe she's the real deal. However, before you start saving your pennies for your own personal reading, let me just tell you what she'll say, since she says the same thing to everyone: Your loved one is at peace and they're super proud of you and whenever you feel your hair stand on end for any reason, blame it on dead grama/aunt/dad/cousin Frankie.

Alright, now you all know my dirty, dirty TV habits. We all have them, so put the gavel down, Judge Judy. (By the way, Russell has walked by as I type this and informs me it's the "Genie". Personally, I like "Rabbit" more.)

This week in baby-dom:
How old is Claire?: 8 weeks

How Claire is eating: Well, we have a bit of a “supply vs. demand” situation currently: Claire demands and I just can't supply enough. So, we've starting supplementing once a day with formula. It was a hard decision. You know how the media has talked about “slut-shaming”? Well, there's definitely “formula-shaming” in baby world. But my motto is “you do what you have to do” and Claire just needs more than I can provide right now. I did, maniacally, research every formula under the SUN before choosing one. I'm still a neurotic, terrified, first time mom after all.

How Claire is sleeping: Claire is finally starting to sleep for a good stretch of time at night. We can pretty much count on 4-5 hours of sleep which is GLORIOUS. Last night, she even slept from 10:30 til 5 AM!

Update on the harness: She's only wearing the harness to sleep (from about 9 pm til 9 am) and doing generally well with it. 8 out of 10 times, she screams while we put it on, which is great because I've always found that it's easier to do a task when someone's screaming in your face. :)
This picture sums up my life right now

How much Claire weighs: We had to pop in to the pediatrician last week to check a little spot on her belly button and the scale there said 9 lbs, 13 oz. So, Ye Olde Bathroom Scale is a LIAR, as it said she weighed 10 pounds a week prior.

How much weight I've lost: I'm still stuck at -30 pounds. Russell and I have been walking every day and I attempted a teensy bit of running. It's amazing how big of a role your abdominal muscles play in basic exercise. I also took a Zumba class at my friend Kat's church which reminded me how incredibly out of shape I am :)

How Russell's doing: Currently, the only way Claire will fall asleep at night is laying on Russell's chest, so he's loving that!

Milestones this week: Claire had her first escalator ride, shortly followed by one of her first elevator rides after we saw the sign reading “no wheeled vehicles on the escalator”. Oops. 
Hi, I'm adorable.